昨天大哭了一场，一个男人，在一个女人面前大哭，哭的很伤心，很透彻，让我想起奶奶死的时候我也这么痛哭过，那是2000年的事了。

那个女人是我如此彻哭的原因。在自己很想拥抱她的时候却突然发现自己就要失去她了，而且这种错是因为自己，自己的嘴巴，自己的所作做为。

她是个好女人，一个值得我去好好珍惜的女人。虽然看起来很平凡，很普通，没有别人那样的花枝招展，粉膏口红，她有种这个社会很缺少的美丽：心灵的和让你感觉的不平凡的美丽。我们在一起的时间不长，尽管认识已经10年左右。从前没来往过，在工作后居然相遇在这个空气污浊的北京，来往越来越多，交往越来越密，然后就顺其自然走到了一起，快乐的一起上班，一起下班，一起去超市，一起买菜，一起做饭，一起生活了。我很享受这样的生活，总觉得流浪的心似乎找到了一个家，家的感觉。可生活就是这样捉弄人，这样的日子却总是充斥着不协调的因子，象一曲（命运），激昂的开始总好象缺点什么，然后是平淡，平淡中也穿插着偶尔的不和谐和高调，那是吵架的音子。

或许两个人生活就是在吵架不断中才能走向更和谐。我不想吵，没人希望吵，可总是吵架的感觉，虽然吵后会很快的和好，里面肯定有什么根本的障碍在我们之间，只是我一直没有意识到。

知道今天，我才意识到这根本的障碍是什么，是安全感，是女人天生的所求男人给予的安全感。我没给她，因为我根本没意识到要这样。就是这样的疏忽和无意识，把她丢掉了。

五一她去了外地，从28到7号都没给我联系过一次。而我在家里一直期待着什么，在这样的期待中度过了煎熬似的五一假期，终于看到她回来的影子了，在凌晨，我慌张地开了门。是她，那么的漂亮，那么的洒脱，那么的让我心动。开门了，什么也没说，可我知道她在我开门的一瞬间看了我一眼，睁了很大眼睛，好象我身上有很大的变化什么似的。我想抱抱她，她说她得传染病了，要我别碰她。然后就把自己锁在了自己屋里，留下我在沙发上发呆，是失望，是难受，可更是心急的想知道发生什么了，肯定发生什么事了。知道她累了，我什么也没说，让她睡了。我看到她腿上有些疤点，真是传染病么？我将信将疑的也梦着了。

她醒了，出门了，什么也不给我说，没有一句话。我急了，我也火了，可我忍着了。给她电话，还是那样的冰冷，那样的强硬，那样的让人伤心。她说她没回家，我想她家的邻居打听了她的确没回去，她说她和原来的男朋友上海去办结婚登记了，我也知道他们一直在联系；她说她这些天去她男朋友家里了，一切都是我最不愿意看到的听到的。我火了，我要自己爆炸了，我苦苦痴痴等来就是这样的她么？可我宁愿相信这一切都是假的，她是骗我的。

晚上我们的一个朋友过来，我习惯性的为她们做了4个菜，下了面条，我喝了一瓶啤酒，2两白酒，小刀牌的。同学在，我什么也没说，她不想让别人知道我们有任何关系（后来才悟道为什么）。 可我一直在等待机会，等她和她说话的机会。

我进了她屋，问怎么了，什么也不说，只是说我们在一起不适合，老是吵架，与其放着幸福不享受，不如和我保持距离，去追求她自己的幸福。而且她说了，传染病是假了，只是胃不好，吃饭过敏搞的。

我傻了，因为我在这7天里拒绝了我几乎所有的朋友，一个人卧在家里，忍受那份等待的孤独，发誓在她回来后要好好对她，发誓对她专一，发誓要一生去珍惜她。

我火了，我感到自己受了极大的委屈，我发了很大火，我们吵了很深的架。我出去了，叫了一个哥们，喝酒去了。喝酒或许是男人们共同的原则，何况我这种嗜酒的酒徒呢？

我们喝了4瓶啤酒，我几乎一个人喝了4瓶蒙古王，虽然没瓶只有1两。我有些晕了，但没醉，然后回家了。我不该回去，因为面对她是更疯狂的我，近乎失去理智的我。

我敲门，我把自己的手敲破了，流了血的一直在敲门，引得邻居抱怨不已。送走邻居，我还是在敲，边打门边和她吵架。理智已经没有了，在这个时候的我犹如困兽般肆无忌惮的随口瞎说了。终于她开门了，因为她听到了我一辈子都不该这么说的话。她开始用手煽我耳光，甚至拿来了菜刀，我却依然硬着脖子。但我终于怕了，泄气了，任她来打，尽量去躲，我同学把刀子给夺下来藏了起来。脸热辣辣的隐隐做痛。女人真的惹不起了。我领教了。

累了，或者说是伤心至极了，她不打了，就开始哭。我的心如刀割般难受，觉得自己受了极大 的委屈，就跟着哭了，哭的很痛彻，鼻涕一堆，痛心的哭泣，第一次失恋般的感觉。我想起来奶奶走的时候我也这么伤心过。哭了多久我不知道，因为我把自己心中压抑的思念和委屈一股脑宣泄了。她或许惊住了，或许第一次见男人这样也不知道怎么办了，来安慰我了。可我还是控制不住的在哭着，鼻涕流到了地上， 我是依着门哭的。床我也可以睡了，我知趣地回到了沙发上，因为我知道那个床可能从此不属于我了，虽然它的上面睡着我今夜思念的女人，一个我为她享受了一次通彻心扉的哭泣。

我理解了，因为我的不珍惜，因为我的不彻底，因为我的不死心，她得不到任何安全和承诺，而我的确也没给她过什么未来的安全承诺。

我理解了，遇到一个可以这样为她大哭的女人，我应该知足，应该好好待她，应该好好珍惜她。

我还有机会么？或许一切都完了，可我知道自己会一直在期待着。。。。。。。。。。

 

 

 

Go home now! although, unwilling, and feel extremely lonely at home with myself!!!But home is home, the place you stay and you sleep! Come on, go home now!

Many times she told me we are not suitable with each other, as the difference between me and her are too big to overcome. And every time I heard this my heart will beat and pain. I couldn't accept this, and I don't want to give up, although in my mind I realized how big the difference is. But every time I ponder on this question, I will find some excuse to console myself and you can say, to cheat myself.

But one deep question of cocking her: what on earth am I wanting from her?Her body,which is really attractive?her soul, which is so hard to acquire? her love which seems impossible?

I don't know. Maybe body, maybe soul, although the ideal situation is both, both soul and body. But the question is if you can't get her soul, will she donate her body to you? Soul first and then body, that's what I told her, not sure she believes it or not.

If love means every thing, can I bear her smoking? If love can overcome everything, can I bear her dillydally with other man? If I love her, can I bear the difficulties I encounter when pursuing her?

What am I pursuing from her? Her love basically, but seems hard now. Then what now ? Body ? not really, although I will think about this when I heard or saw her disappointing words. But from the bottom of my heart, love is what I pursue and I want from her.

How can I reach that purpose?

For many times, dating seems a bit romatic, but also quite miserable. you like your girl and you date her. That's the logic and that' the initial reason to start dating. She would refuse directly if she doesn't really like you. But the trouble is she likes you but still refuses you. What would you do then?

For me, and for many times, dating is a failure by whatever the reason: going home, dinner with her collegue and her boss, friends coming ... Although half successful and half failure( otherwise would give up quickly). That's the trouble. You never know the exact meaning from her and you never get her actually. Life continues, so is  the dating, successful or not.

you will be angry, but your anger would not surpass  your hunger for seeing her. So you only feel depressed for a while and you will go on your way of dating. You got tired, so did she. Then time is coming for you to either stop or change your way. What would you do then?

What would I do then? I didn't stop, neither did I change. Life is usual, and my endeavor continues, although failure this week. But it's quite strange you can't control yourself, sometimes you can, but can't last long and you will send some short message to inquire her time and her business. You pretend to  be quite patient, although you are quite eager and not patient at all. Sometimes, you will send some message to express your real feeling from your bottom of yourheart and you got trouble. She didn't want you not to be happy and since you were not happy with her, sorry and say BB to you. What a girl! What a Way ! What a dating!

But you will not give up that easily and you apologize for youw words by excuse like excessive drinking or too depressing. And life comes to normal and you continue your dating, seems from 0  but heating from 50, and never reaching 100.

And God damn knows where is the ending, the dating is fucking shit! forget it and forget her!